Protecting our Children from Lying - II

How can a mother know that her child is lying?
It should be known that lying has many signs that are visible on the child which an intelligent mother could notice, and they reveal it in the same way that is imitated by the following proverb: "The (sinful) suspicious (with his behavior) is about to say (to those who doubt him), 'Take me (as I am sinful).'"
These are like:
·        Faltering in speech, trouble and contradiction between the different details of the fabricated story which the child is relating.
·        Some physical symptoms, which appear on him clearly like sweating, redness of the face, increased breathing rate and coldness of limbs.
·        The child cannot look his father or mother in the eye, and tries to end the situation quickly and turn away from his parents.
·        The child makes many oaths without being asked to do so, and does his best to deny he is a liar without being accused of lying. In confirmation of that, Allaah The Almighty Says on the tongue of the brothers of (Prophet) Yoosuf (Joseph)  in an attempt to negate lying from themselves before their father accused them (what means): {"But you would not believe us, even if we were truthful."} [Quran 12:17]
However, the most important question is to ask: Why does the child lie?
There are several causes and motives for a child's lying. Knowing the motives for his ill behavior is the first step towards its sound treatment, and provides the parent whose children make the same mistake, with an outline of the features of preventive upbringing against that ill behavior. Then, what are the motives for children's lying?
First: Ambiguous or imaginary innocent lying:
This kind of lying is prevalent among children of four and five years. It goes back to the child's extensive imagination and insufficient awareness of the reality. He indeed confuses what is real and what is imaginary. He relates some of his dreams as realities that he has seen with his eye, or tells about things which have not taken place. This kind of lying indicates the child's extensive and rich imagination. It may go back to the child's desire for self-assertion.
There is, indeed, nothing to worry about it, since it develops the child's linguistic fluency and capability of representation and figurative use of language, provided that the parents give the child the impression that this is another world quite different from the reality in which we live.
Second: Pretentious lying:
The child lies in order to compensate for a feeling of inferiority that he suffers from, regardless of whether it is real or imaginary, or to become prominent in front of his peers.
Usually, children resort to this kind of pretentious lying if they feel inferior to others, whether in a position or excellence, thereupon they pretend to have what they do not have, just to support their weak position at least as they feel it.
Third: Preventive lying:
The child resort to it in order to safeguard himself or escape from punishment. That kind of preventive lying is the most widespread among children, for it is directly related to their mistakes, or due to disruptive and destructive behavior in the house, such as  defacing the house or the belongings of others. If either of the parents faces the child with the mistake, chaos or even destruction he has done, he soon starts to deny insistently, which may force him to swear falsely. He does all of this for fear of, and in the hope of avoiding the punishment that he expects to receive.
Fourth: Vindictive lying:
In this kind, the child tries to avert the accusation from himself, and instead attribute it to another person whom he dislikes or is jealous of and could not face directly. It is the most dangerous kind of lying on psychological health, as well as on the community's entity, ideals and principles, for lying because of hatred and resentment is willful and requires planning and contriving in order to cause harm to the intended person whom he dislikes. This behavior is usually accompanied by psychological tension and pain.
Fifth: Traditional lying:
It is that in which the child imitates the behavior of the adults surrounding him, who lie carelessly.
This bad example may exist in the house or at school. However, if the child is brought up in an environment where people are deceitful, evasive and doubtful, he is more likely to deal with those surrounding him according to the ill behavior. Hence, he lies when dealing with the others in general.
Dear parent,
After this presentation of the causes, motives, forms and signs of lying among children, it is time to answer the important question raised by the parent or the mentor: Could I cure my child from lying? Is it possible for me to prevent my children from lying?
Yes, you could utilize the means of treating this blameworthy disease, after seeking the aid of Allaah The Almighty, by removing its causes and motives. 
Protecting our Children from Lying - I

Protecting our Children from Lying - I

The doorbell rang in the house of the grandfather, and four-year-old Fahd ran to open the door. Soon, he returned running and jumping, announcing the visitor to his grandfather, "Grandpa! Shaykh Al ‘Uthaymeen is waiting for you in the salon."
The grandfather smiled and asked inquiringly, "Who is it Fahd? Talk seriously."
Fahd said insistently, "By Allaah, grandpa, Shaykh Al ‘Uthaymeen is sitting in the salon."
The grandfather went to receive his guest and returned soon to hold back the mother of Fahd from punishing him saying, "Leave him daughter, Fahd did not lie. The day before yesterday, he heard me talking to you about Shaykh Al ‘Uthaymeen, May Allaah have mercy upon him, whom I described as a slim round-faced man, with large eyes and a thick white beard. When Fahd saw my friend Hajj Husayn, who has come to visit us, with the same appearance, he imagined that it was Shaykh Al ‘Uthaymeen!"
Dear parent,
Lying is one of the most disturbing challenges for the one assuming the child’s upbringing, when the liar is his child. Just as truthfulness is the summit of good morals, lying is among the most hateful bad morals and attributes and one should do his best not to allow it be one of the characteristics of his children, as it is a blameworthy attribute and a prohibited behavior rejected by noble souls.
In spite of the great importance of truthfulness in building the child's personality, the attribute of lying is a prevalent behavior among many children.
The parent is more confused when he sees his child lying repeatedly in different contexts and situations. The parent here faces a real problem: Why does his child lie? How should he prevent him from lying?
What is considered lying in children?
In order to treat the child's lying, we should study each situation in which he lies individually, and get acquainted with the real motive for his lying, and whether it goes back to his desire to have a good appearance and conceal his feeling of inferiority, or whether it is due to the child's extensive imagination and his failure to remember events well. We also should wonder: Is lying instinctive or an acquired characteristic? Are there different kinds of lying among children? What causes a child to lie? Is there a way to prevent the child from lying and how should we treat the liar?
Dear parent and mentor,
Here are the answers to all those questions. Let us explore this article, in order to convey our children to the shore of truthfulness, where Allaah The Almighty commanded us to be, as He Says (what means): {O you who have believed, fear Allaah and be with those who are true.} [Quran 9:119]
First of all, we like to know, in some detail, about the concept and manifestations of lying.
In his definition of lying, Dr. Ahmad Az-Zu‘bi, Professor of psychotherapy, says, "Lying is to tell something untrue in word, deed and behavior, with the intention to cheat and deceive another person to get a particular benefit, or get rid of something unpleasant." He adds, "Lying, in this sense, is an abnormal habit and attitude that is acquired by the child from the environment in which he lives."
Lying is an acquired and not an instinctive or hereditary behavior:
The child is not born a liar. However, there are many causes which lead him to lie. That finding is confirmed by both psychologists and educationists who see that children are born with a pure disposition, and learn, step by step, truthfulness and honesty from their environment if those surrounding them observe truthfulness in their words and promises.Nevertheless, if the child is brought up in an environment where the people are deceitful, evasive and doubtful, he is more likely to learn the same behavioral attitudes in facing his life and achieving his goals.
When the child lives in an environment which does not help to direct and train him in the attitudes of truthfulness, it becomes easier for him to lie -- especially if he has the capability of speaking fluently and has a fertile imagination.
Those two faculties, in addition to his imitating those surrounding him who resort to lying and fabricate lame excuses to get out of different situations, train him to lie from his early childhood until it becomes familiar to him and a habit.
Based on that, lying is an acquired and learnt and is not instinctive or a hereditary behavior and attribute.
On the other hand, children may lie at different levels, some stronger and worse than others. Those include:
Hiding a part of the reality:
If lying is to tell something that is different from the reality or the facts, children may incline to conceal even a simple part of the fact, for some purpose or benefit they like in their view. For example, a child may narrate a certain event completely except a simple part just for the sake of entertainment.
Complete concealment:
In this case, the child inclines to conceal the event entirely. A typical example is the school certificate: many children take the school certificate and return it once again to the class teacher without showing it to their parents.
Adding something to reality:
Some children, especially those who are young, may like to add some details to the event when relating it, for the sake of embellishment, modification, drawing the attention of others or thinking those details may really happen. For example, when the child says to his mother, "My father told me to go to the grocery store to buy a bottle of mineral water for him" and this is a reality, then he adds, "And told me to keep the change to buy some sweets for myself" and this addition is a lie which did not take place.
Fabrication:
This is the worst and the most terrible level of lying, where the child fabricates an illusory story from his own imagination for a certain purpose. Unfortunately, the child may swear that his claim is true.
Protecting our Children from Lying - II

Combating Fear Among Our Children - II

A Dialogue with a Teacher
After the lesson was over, the mother of Hasan and Husayn went quickly to the teacher and thanked her for that knowledge, and asked her to give her some time to speak with her, and she welcomed the request.
The mother sat with the teacher and started to complain to her of the state of her children, Hasan and Husayn. She said,
"They never depend on themselves. I always help them in eating, drinking, studying and even bathing. Hasan feels afraid of going to the street to buy our household needs, and Husayn feels afraid to cross the street alone, and asks a passer-by to hold his hand (and help him do so). Hasan feels afraid to sleep in the dark and asks me not to switch off the light. Both fear the sea, and cannot swim without the help of a swimming float even though they have grown up. Hasan always feels afraid of the ball, and puts his hand in front of his face for fear that it would hit him in the face, and Husayn feels afraid of the train. Hasan feels afraid of his teacher in the class and is always absent from school for that reason. Both feel afraid of dogs, cats and insects. They only ever ride a tricycle.
When I heard you relating to us how brave the children of the Companions were, and, at the same time, looked at my children, I felt that they are cowardly and are not brave. What is the reason for that? What is the way to treat it?"

The teacher said, "No doubt, fear is innate in every human being, and it is beneficial to protect him from risks. However, this normal fear differs from the phobia your children are suffering from, which goes back to many things including:

·          To frighten the child to force him to do a particular thing, such as frightening him with a ghoul, the Skinned-Leg Monster, the room of rats, the ‘Ifreet, being slaughtered with a knife, dogs, cats, the police, the teacher, the doctor, their father, the darkness, an injection, thieves, and so on.

·          The fear entertained by the old: if an elderly person, say a father or a mother, demonstrates his fear of a particular thing in front of the children, of a surety, this will be reflected on the child himself.

·          Non-educational books and magazines which relate imaginary stories about magic, Jinn, monsters, and so on. One of the books, which are a part of the elementary school curriculum, contains the following paragraph: "All of a sudden, he found in front of him a horrible cat, which scared the child  when he heard it mewing with a fearful voice. The cat asked him, "How dare you come to this place? Do you not know that I have the power to tear your body into pieces with only a single strike of my paw?" We may also mention stories like the Hop o' My Thumb, ‘Alaa’ Ad-Deen (Aladin) and the Wonderful Lamp and so on.

·          Fear of death.

·          Lacking self-confidence in the sense that he feels afraid of passing an exam or meeting visitors, especially if there are those who ridicule or laugh at him.

·          The father's domination over all the movements of the child, without giving him the freedom to think, which creates in him the fear of making a mistake.

·          Family problems like disputes between the father and mother.

·          Beating the child gives him the impression of fear and lack of security.

·          Over-indulging, and pampering children and excessive anxiety about them.

·          Bringing up the child on seclusion, introversion and seeking protection within the walls of the house.

The treatment is as follows:

First of all, those causes should be avoided. Then:

1-    If a child meets, by chance, anything that frightens him, do not help him forget it, since forgetfulness always suppresses the fear in the soul, and they soon become a source of anxiety and psychological disorder. However, it is necessary to talk with the child and clarify the matter to him. If he fears thieves and thinks the sound of wind when hitting the windows and doors at night to be thieves, you should say to him, "It is just the wind that causes the windows and doors to produce those sounds, since they are old and loose", assuring him that those sounds are also heard in the day time. In this way, his fear will disappear.

2-    To remain calm and balanced and refrain from fear, terror and apprehension in any situation in general, and particularly when the child is ill.

3-    To use constructive fear in the development and stimulation of the child's personality, such as to frighten him of the anger of Allaah The Almighty, and of Hell-fire.

4-    To keep the child far from the fear stimuli, like imaginary stories, occasions of death and superstitions.

5-    To deal with the errant child as a child who can hardly distinguish what is right from what is wrong. Thus, we should guide him to the right to feel secure without punishment, ridicule or mockery, and even defend him when criticized or attacked by others.

6-    To remove the child's fear, by establishing a relationship between his fear stimulus and simulated pleasure. For example, if a child fears darkness and likes playing, you may play with him, and then switch off the light and continue to play with him in the darkness, and the second time, switch off the light for a short time before the beginning up to the end of play and so on until his fear of darkness is associated with the stimulus of pleasure and delight, thereupon his fear of darkness would gradually disappear. Likewise is the case with the one who fears a physician, by getting the physician present to him a sweet or play with him until his fear of him disappears.

7-    To make arrangements between the school and the house to treat the child's phobia. Furthermore, the teacher should not use beating or punishment in any way whatsoever, but rather take refuge in educational causes to discipline and direct the child's behavior. [Fann Tarbiyat Al-Awlaad Fi Al-Islam]

Thus, Hasan and Husayn's mother paid attention to the words of the teacher, and then bade her farewell thankfully with an eagerness to put her counsel into practice, in order to mend what she had inadvertently done to harm her children, and eliminate their fear.

Combating Fear Among Our Children - I

Combating Fear Among Our Children - I

After the party
Dr. Ahmad and his family returned home after a long party in the house of a family friend on the occasion of the children's success.
Exhausted, the parents entered their room to sleep.
Not wanting to sleep, both Hasan and Husayn, young twins, sat in their room and played and laughed in a disturbingly loud voice which annoyed their parents.
The mother got up quickly and opened the door of the children's room so suddenly that the children were scared and their eyes widened in fear. They (addressing their mother) said, "Aren't you asleep?" She said, "We could not sleep because of the loud noise you are making. Have you never heard about the Skinned-Leg Monster that eats the children who don't sleep after twelve o'clock? Sleep! Sleep quickly!" The mother went out after she had closed the door and switched off the light and returned to her room to resume her happy dreams, while both Hasan and Husayn wrapped themselves in their quilt, with each of them imagining in the darkness the fictitious Skinned-Leg Monster.
In the garden
Dr. Ahmad's family went on Friday to the children's park so that the children would enjoy themselves and play football in their summer holiday.
Both Hasan and Husayn went to play away from the sight of their parents, who sat and started to talk. All of a sudden, Hasan and Husayn returned hurriedly towards their parents, crying and weeping. The mother ran towards them anxiously in quick steps and stretched her arms towards them and said, "What happened? Why are you weeping?" Both children pointed to a young child who was standing away, and he had their ball. The mother said to them kindly, "Did he hit you? Has he taken the ball from you? He seems stronger (than you)."
The mother took hold of her children’s hands and went to the young child who was careless about the weeping of Hasan and Husayn. The mother said to him, "Why did you take the ball from them? Is it because you are stronger than them and they are still young?"
The child threw the ball and went away to resume his play, without even caring to apologize to them.
Risky sport
When Hasan and Husayn turned ten years of age, they liked to take skiing lessons, just like their fellows of the same age. However, their father was afraid they would be hurt, and said to them, "No, my children. This is a risky sport. Do you remember the injury I had when I tried to learn skiing? My knee was wounded and I spent a long time using a crutch, after nearly a week in hospital. I think you should rather wait until you have grown stronger and are at least twenty years old."
In the mosque
Hasan and Husayn's mother went to the mosque to attend a religious lecture, which was about the courage of the children of the Companions. She was attracted by that title, and went to listen. The female teacher started to talk about bravery and relate examples of the courage of the brave children of the Companions . She said, "During the Battle of Uhud, a mother gave the sword to her child, and he was not strong enough to carry it. She straightened it on his forearm with a braided strap and brought him to the Prophet  and said, "O Messenger of Allaah! This is my son to fight on your behalf." He was injured and fell down. He was brought to the Prophet  who said to him: "O son! Perhaps you were scared!" The child said, "No, Messenger of Allaah."
The mother of Hasan and Husayn was paying attention to the teacher who went on relating further examples.
It was narrated on the authority of Sa‘d ibn Abi Waqqaas  that he said,
"I saw my brother ‘Umayr ibn Abi Waqqaas trying to hide on the Day of Badr before being shown to the Messenger of Allaah  (to choose who would take part in the battle), thereupon I asked him, 'What is the matter with you my brother?' He said, 'I fear that the Messenger of Allaah would see me and return me because I am young, and I want to take part in the battle, perhaps Allaah The Almighty would endow me with martyrdom.'He then was shown to the Messenger of Allaah  who returned him because he was young. He went on weeping so much that the Messenger of Allaah  permitted him (to take part in the battle)."
The mother of Hasan and Husayn was increasingly surprised when she listened to the story of the two children who killed Abu Jahl (in the Battle of Badr). It was narrated on the authority of ‘Abdul-Rahmaan ibn ‘Awf  that he said,
“While I was standing in the row on the Day (of the Battle) of Badr, I looked to my right and my left and saw two young Ansaari boys. One of them called my attention saying, ‘O uncle! Do you know Abu Jahl?’ I said, ‘Yes. What do you want from him, O nephew?’ He said, ‘I was informed that he abuses the Messenger of Allaah . By Him in whose hand my life is, if I should see him, then my body will not leave his body till either of us meets his fate.’ I was astonished at that talk. Then the other boy called my attention saying the same as the other. After a while I saw Abu Jahl walking among the people. I said (to the boys), ‘Look! This is the man you asked me about.’ So, both of them attacked him with their swords and struck him until he died and then they returned to the Messenger of Allaah  to inform him about that. The Messenger of Allaah  asked:‘Which of you killed him?’Both of them said, ‘I killed him.’ The Messenger of Allaah asked: ‘Have you cleaned your swords?’ They said, ‘No.’ He then looked at their swords and said: ‘No doubt, you both killed him.’" The two boys were Mu‘aath ibn ‘Afraa’ and Mu‘aath ibn ‘Amr ibn Al-Jamooh .
Combating Fear Among Our Children - II

Controlling Anger: An Essential Skill for Educators - II

Keep your energy for construction not destruction:
If a person does not control himself in critical situations and surrenders to the dictates of anger and strong agitation, he will find himself consuming an enormous quantity of his inner energy, which is supposed to be exploited in the process of construction, education, teaching, constructive dialogue, developing the skills of the children and enjoying a quiet everyday life. This kind of life is full of worshiping Allaah The Almighty, reciting the Quran, good companionship inside the family, helping people and even removing harmful objects from the road.
Come and take the following steps towards anger management:
- Always remind yourself that uncontrollable anger is one of the features of weakness in the upbringing process, whereas curbing and managing anger as well as acting fairly with the children while in this state, represents the apex of the strength and positivity of the person who assumes the upbringing process and it is a meritorious quality distinguishing the righteous slaves of Allaah The Almighty. It was narrated on the authority of Ibn ‘Umar  that the Prophet  said:“There is no dose that is more rewarded by Allaah The Almighty than a dose of anger that a slave restrains for His sake.” [Ibn Maajah] [Al-Albaani: Saheeh]
- At the moment of anger when you feel that an ember is burning inside you, start counting from one to ten before uttering any word and ask yourself this question, "What should I say now to make my child benefit from this situation?"
- Review the situation that sparked your anger because of your child and rethink the motives behind such acts. For instance, your child spilled a cup of milk on his clothes during breakfast because he was trying to be independent and he did not intend to annoy you. Your agitation in this situation prevents him from trying to do this again successfully.
- Express what you feel to your child while you are angry and address him with strong words that take him to a higher level of behavior, which you were expecting of him. An angry father, for example, may say, "Son, I was angry about your misbehavior yesterday when you came home late. I was expecting you to be aware of the proper time when you should return home which I previously set for you."
- Use the method of neglect and temporary desertion. You might not talk with your child for long hours or answer his questions with lengthy speech. Show no concern for him till the blaze of anger dies down, taking into account the level of strictness in doing so. Surely, you will realize that this method is very fruitful in guiding the child compared to the other methods that you might resort to when you are angry.
- Remember that lowering your voice while talking to children helps you feel less angry and demonstrates your ability to control yourself and control them. If the child sees that you have lost control of your temper, this portrays you as a weak person, and he will imitate your weakness or take advantage of it.
- You can use written messages to express your refusal of some of your children’s requests or behavior. This is an efficient way that can be used with all people; like spouses, friends and children. That is because we think more wisely, analytically, and rationally when we write than when we improvise decisions, judgments and reprimands. Also, agitation cannot be conveyed through writing as clearly as through speaking. By doing so, you will certainly notice that the intensity of our anger and the anger of our children will decrease.
- Seek the help of Allaah The Almighty in carrying out your decisions and always remember the advice of the Prophet  "Do not get angry." Use the methods that the Prophet  instructed us to do in order to resist anger, such as making ablution, taking a bath, changing one's position from standing to sitting and from sitting to lying down, and frequently seeking refuge with Allaah The Almighty from the accursed Satan.
Finally, whoever is assuming the upbringing process, remember the following:
Successful management of one's agitation and anger is real strength. The Prophet  taught us, saying: "A strong person is not the one who overpowers others; rather, a strong person is the one who controls himself at the time of anger." [Al-Bukhaari and Muslim]
It also means caring for others, looking for right solutions to change the children's unacceptable behavior, and determination to succeed in your upbringing duty without severing the strong bonds which connect you together.
Raging anger remains a negative and destructive force in which the child's response comes out artificial and temporary because it occurred due to fear or the desire to assuage anger and its consequences. It does not change the reality of the child for the better, but often aggravates it.
Now, start immediately and decide that: "From now on, there will be no more violence or anger with our children – Allaah willing."
Controlling Anger: An Essential Skill for Educators - I

Controlling Anger: An Essential Skill for Educators - I

A US TV channel presented a series on the views of children on the way in which their parents discipline them. The channel hosted some intelligent children who are able to articulate their views clearly and strongly every week, and in doing so, they would ask them a set of questions.
In one of the episodes, a mother listened to her child on the television expressing his views and notes, and talking about the issue of disciplining. The mother was greatly astonished when she heard what her son had said. The reason will be shown in this dialogue that took place between the mother and her son when he returned home.

Mother: Have I ever cut any amount of your daily pocket money as a punishment?
Son: No.
Mother: Have I ever confined you in your room all day?
Son: No.
Mother: Have I ever told you that I will stop you from playing because you are a naughty child?
Son: No.
Mother: So, why did you claim that I had done all these things with you on television?
Son: I had to say all these things; otherwise, I would have had to say that you yell at me every day!
Dear readers and people responsible for the upbringing process,
Perhaps this scene is often repeated in many homes – unchecked anger explodes, resulting in furious outbursts, throwing insults and name-calling. And who is the target of all these things? It is the nearest and dearest person to your heart – your child!
Does the responsibility of raising children cause a psychological crisis for the people who are responsible for it?
In the absence of positive programming of behavior and parenting attitudes towards the disruptive, inappropriate and unacceptable behavior of their children, caregivers may resort to actions and reactions that are associated with anger and tension, and these are usually negative and destructive. Thus, our Prophet  warned us against acting in the state of anger and ordered us to do things that remove it and reduce its intensity. That is because at such times, a person may often act rashly.
What is anger?
Linguistically, anger is the opposite of satisfaction and – according to Ibn ‘Arafah – it is a state in the hearts of human beings which is praiseworthy sometimes and dispraised at other times. The praiseworthy type of anger is that which happens to support religion and the truth in the context of correction and reforming. Beyond these contexts, anger becomes dispraised.
What happens when you become angry?
Agitation sparks involuntary reactions, which irritate the nerves, move the emotions, suspend thinking, make one lose his balance and it increases the heart rate, blood pressure and the flow of blood to the brain. The organs are disturbed and this clearly shows on the person’s features – his color changes, he trembles, his limbs shake, he is not in his normal moderate mood, his appearance becomes ugly, and he behaves in a manner that is beyond his normal boundaries. If the person does not restrain himself, his tongue will utter foul words and insults and his hand will stretch out to beat and commit violence.
During angry outbursts, one's heart rate accelerates per minute to double the quantity of the blood flow that the heart pumps or that which runs in the blood vessels with each pulse. This causes high blood pressure and increases the secretion of adrenaline.
Should we lose our temper whenever our children make a mistake? How can we bring them up successfully knowing that this stage is characterized by making mistakes; since they lack knowledge and experience in many of their life affairs and are supposed to be living under their parents' guidance and care? Therefore, whoever is responsible for the upbringing process must learn the art of anger management, because controlling one's temper has a significant impact on controlling the behavior of your children. If you keep yourself calm and manage to get through the difficult situations without agitating your anger, your communication with your children will be more effective and your punishment will be more efficient.
Therefore, we invite you to manage your anger, not to cancel it. The Prophet  recommended us to avoid anger, and at the same time he praised the one who becomes angry when the rules of Sharee‘ah (Islamic legislation) are violated. He made this prohibition only to warn against the negative effects of anger and forbade us from negative anger. It is possible that man's anger and agitation turn to positive qualities should he properly manage and control them. We do not mean to cancel it altogether because angry feelings are the source of power and interaction, and represent the sign of his concern about his religion and values. These feelings help man protect his life, religion, honor and property.
Concerning the upbringing process, if parents and people who assume the responsibility of raising children do not become angry about the unacceptable behavior of their children, this will be a sign of the passivity of the educator and his lack of responsibility. It also shows his incorrect estimation of the Hereafter-related results of negligence in raising the children.
Allaah The Almighty Says (what means): {O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones, over which are [appointed] angels, harsh and severe; they do not disobey Allaah in what He commands them but do what they are commanded.} [Quran 66:6] The Prophet  said: "Allaah will question every caretaker concerning those whom He put under his care whether he had borne the responsibility or neglected it." [Al-Bukhaari and Muslim]
Controlling Anger: An Essential Skill for Educators - II

The Intelligent Educator

In front of the school headmaster's room
Faaris entered the headmaster's room hurriedly and without seeking permission, for the matter was serious and needed to be addressed urgently. He cried at the top of his voice, "Sir! Sir! I have to tell you about something of great importance."
The headmaster sat straight in his chair and paid great attention to Faaris, put his hand on his shoulder and said to him, "Calm down! Calm down, my son! What happened? Lower your voice and speak quietly."
The child said, "I have to tell you, headmaster, about something dangerous that takes place in our class."
"What is happening, son?" the headmaster asked interestedly.
"I have seen some children in the class ridiculing the Mathematics teacher,"the child said, "and sticking clips on his clothes containing some humorous words while he did not notice. After that they joke with each other, laugh at and ridicule my teacher whom I love so much, and do not like anyone to ridicule. I warned them more than once that I would tell the headmaster, but they mocked my words and gave no importance to it."
"May Allaah reward you, Faaris, for telling me about that," the headmaster said, "and I appreciate your protective zeal for your teacher, and promise you that I will take suitable measures."
"May Allaah reward you, sir," the child said.
In the class
"Beware, Maajid," Ad-ham said.
"What is it, Ad-ham?" Maajid asked.
"Get into the classroom quickly and take your seat," Ad-ham said, "for the headmaster is inspecting the classes of the school."
Suddenly, the headmaster entered the class where Maajid and Ad-ham were mocking the Mathematics teacher. The headmaster stood in front of all the pupils.
He said, "As-salaamu ‘alaykum."
"Wa ‘alaykum as-salaam wa rahmatullaahi wa barakaatuh," all the pupils replied together.
"How are your studies progressing? The time of the exams is very near,"the headmaster said.
"Fine, sir," they all replied together.
"I am sure that only those students who make a great deal of effort will succeed in the end and Allaah The Almighty will grant them excellence,"the headmaster said.
He added,
"No doubt, whoever has high ambitions should work day and night.  But those who engage in playing and mocking teachers and particularly the Mathematics teacher will suffer great loss and failure. It is enough disgrace to ridicule one’s teacher and role model, which is also enough reason for failure. I have been informed that many boys do so. But I will not mention their names in order not to expose them to scandal.  But I ask them to return to the right path lest Allaah The Almighty become angry with them. Allaah The Almighty Says (what means): {O you who have believed, let not a people ridicule [another] people; perhaps they may be better than them; nor let women ridicule [other] women; perhaps they may be better than them. And do not insult one another and do not call each other by [offensive] nicknames. Wretched is the name of disobedience after [one's] faith. And whoever does not repent - then it is those who are the wrongdoers.}[Quran 49:11]
The headmaster concluded his speech with this Noble Verse. Then he turned his back to the pupils after he greeting them and left.
Both Ad-ham and Maajid were confounded, and none of them dared to speak, as if they were mute. But after the lesson, both Maajid and Ad-ham agreed to go to the Mathematics teacher to apologize to him, and go to the headmaster to thank him for his valuable advice.
An intelligent educator always uses hints rather than explicit condemnation.
Dear educator,
The headmaster was capable of entering the class, catching hold of a stick and beating all the pupils, or at least both Maajid and Ad-ham, and forcing them to apologize to the Mathematics teacher while the other pupils watched. An intelligent educator favors hinting to explicit condemnation, dialogue to clashing, and discussion to shouting. This is one of the means of successful education that each educator should choose in raising his children.
Parents should admonish their children when they act improperly.  But the problem lies in the fact that during the process of admonishment, we ignore the child's identity, and think that because of the relation of kinship and his being under our care (as parents), he should listen and comply with all that we say to him. This is wrong. A child has overflowing emotions and an immature mentality. Therefore, we have to reduce the direct instruction and severe criticism as much as possible. No parent wants to destroy his child's self-esteem for the sake of rectifying him. Indirect hinting and advice always lead to the desired result, and are more palatable to the child, whereas continuous disparagement deprives him of his self-confidence.
You should learn, dear educator, that if you understand the psychology of your child well, particularly when he approaches the stage of adolescence, you would not resort to condemnation.
"What is the matter with some people who say such and such things?" That was the same method used by the Prophet,  with his Companions . With this method, the Prophet, , saved the face of those who made mistakes and made them correct their mistakes without disgracing them before the people.
The effectiveness of hinting
When the headmaster used this method of hinting with the children, he saved the child’s honor and did not humiliate him before others lest this would result in future psychological complexes.
Moreover, this method boosts mutual confidence and coherence between the headmaster and the children; and also boosts love, for the child always loves reassurance and comfort when his mistake is treated by his teacher and educator without putting shame on him before the people. This method will also correct the educational mistakes of other children who were not intended by the hinting.
When an educator defames a child at the first slip and humiliates him before his fellows in the name of "guidance", or insults him with foul words, perhaps before his friends with the goal of rectifying his behavior and preventing him from making any further mistakes, this, indeed, establishes in the child's heart rebellion and feelings of inferiority.
To clarify the importance of subtlety in changing the child's behavior, the author of The Sound Disposition says that when we ask some fathers about what they do when they are overwhelmed by anger, they usually say that they shout at or insult their children. Some say that they beat a little, and throw or kick things. However, even this response only curbs the behavioral problem temporarily. Therefore, what do their children learn? They learn how to shout, beat, throw and kick things when annoyed.
The method of hinting is highly effective and indicates the educator's intelligence, forbearance and patience.

Protecting our children from sexual abuse - III

What should a parent do if he or she suspects abuse?

If you are worried that your child has been sexually abused, it is important to put your trust in Allaah and stay calm. Children are very intuitive and can easily sense there is something “up”. Allaah Says (what means): “…Indeed, Allaah is with the patient.” [Quran 2: 153]

 

It is imperative that you stay completely casual when you ask your child the following question:

 

"I’m wondering if someone has been touching you in a way you don’t like or don’t understand.” (this question was taken from 'Protect Your Child from Sexual Abuse').

 

Did anyone ask you to keep a secret?

Stay away from questions like: "Did anyone touch you in a place that you didn't like?" (A common question).

 

Generally speaking, a child who has never been abused may just complain about somebody tickling him or her. But for the child who has been sexually abused, more than likely they will either act uncomfortable about the questions or avoid it completely. It is important to understand that they are still in the cycle of violence. They may have been possibly threatened or made promises that they “feel” they should keep. The abuser has probably spent hours and hours gaining the child’s trust and being their “personal friend”. This makes it very difficult for the child to say anything about the abuser.  

 

It is important that you remain both relaxed and open. Try to pray Salaat –ul-Istikhaarah (the prayer of seeking Allaah's Guidance) for help before you start opening the communication. Allaah Says (what means): “And seek help through patience and prayer…” [Quran 2: 45]

 

It is natural for the parent to feel rage, anger, pain etc. But it is essential that you remain calm. Mujaahid  said: "Beautiful patience is patience without any panic." 'Amr Ibn Qays  said: “Beautiful patience means to be content with adversity and to surrender to the will of Allaah.” The child will probably think that you are angry with him or her and not with the abuser. They may not even know that by talking to you they had incriminated their “friend”. Your reaction is very important to keep the lines of communication open. It is important to be reassuring and to let the child know that he had done nothing wrong.  

 

Once opening the “can of worms”, the child might start feeling scared and insecure. He or she may need lots of hugs and reassuring words. From the moment that the child opens up, everything after that will affect him or her for the rest of the life. Your being stable and a “rock” for him or her is impetrative.

 

Depending on what country you live in, you need to then follow procedure in order to insure proper legal steps are taken. You can’t just leave the situation thinking “ok, I won’t let him or her with­ again.” This is not enough. Reread Characteristics of the Sexual Abuser and see how many children they abuse in their life. Is this fair to allow a criminal to go free, knowing very well that he will strike again. I know it is very hard to do this, especially if it is a family member. But these people are very sick. Think about Prophet Loote  when he  dealt with the homosexual issue. Left undone, the sickness spread throughout the entire city. The same happens with innocent children, many may have multitude of sexual issues when they grow up. The effect of even just one incident can permanently damage them for the rest of their lives. It is important to note that young boys who are sexually abused can either withdraw into theirselves or actually become sexual abusers themselves as they grow up. 

 

They are so mixed up and feeling shame and powerlessness that they may end of repeating the same cycle. Like the man who is yelled at by his boss, then comes home and yells at his wife, then the wife yells at the kids and the kids kick and yell at the neighbor kids or guard dog. It is a vicious cycle that will not go away. 

 

One thing in Islamic communities is that they worry more about protecting their girls than their boys. This is a big mistake! We need to wake up and care about both our girls and boys the same. Just because they are boys doesn’t mean that they cannot be sexually abused.

 

Please note that your child may feel very guilty for “causing” all the problems in the family. It is of course worse if the offender is one of the family members. Your child may have to repeat over and over to different authorities what happened. You do not want the child to close down. It is important that you offer your unconditional love and support for the child.    Help the child understand that the move he or she made, Allaah willing, will protect him or her and other children from the offender. Read to children stories of those who stood up to injustice no matter how hard it was. Let them know that it is their right as Muslim children that they are protected and cared for. 

 

It is important not to let too many people know about what had happened. Your child’s privacy is very important. Also take care of yourself and get the support you need. Remember! Allaah wrote everything that was to happen, and you shouldn’t beat yourself up for this. We must believe that Allaah has Wisdom behind every incident. Allaah Knows and Sees everything. With His infinite Wisdom call on Allaah by His most beautiful Names and Attributes. 

 

Allaah Says (what means): “…But give good tidings to the patient, who, when disaster strikes them, say, "Indeed we belong to Allaah, and indeed to Him we will return. Those are the ones upon whom are blessings from their Lord and mercy. And it is those who are the [rightly] guided.” [Quran 2: 155-7]

 

By: Lynn Jefferies