Fear ALLAH and you will have no cause to fear any one.: Be a Logical and Motivating Parent

Fear ALLAH and you will have no cause to fear any one.: Be a Logical and Motivating Parent: Father: I told you to clean your room.‎   Child: But I don't know how to do that!   Father: I said clean the room! Don't you...

Be a Logical and Motivating Parent

Father: I told you to clean your room.‎
 

Child: But I don't know how to do that!
 

Father: I said clean the room! Don't you understand? Does ‎this need any explanation? ‎You are old enough and you ‎can do this by yourself. If you clean your room, I will buy you ‎whatever you ‎like. ‎
 

Child: ‎Really, Dad? ‎
 

Father: ‎Yes, my dear boy. ‎However, if you don't do so, the consequences will be ‎bad.‎
 

After cleaning the room…

 

 

Child: Dad! I cleaned my room.‎
 

Father: ‎Do you call this cleaning?
 

Child: ‎I did my best, Dad.
 

Father: ‎Why didn't you clean under the bed? ‎Remove the dust from the glass? Arrange the clothes? 
 

Child: I forgot to do that, but I will do it now.
 

After cleaning the room again...

 

Child: I have cleaned everything!
 

Father: Good! Well done! 
 

Child: I deserve the prize now, right?
 

Father: Yes, you deserve it!
 

Child: You told me that you will buy me whatever I want.
 

Father: Yes, I did say that. What would you like me to buy you?”
 

Child: I want you to buy me a motorcycle!
 

 Father: What, a motorcycle?! That is too expensive, and I can't buy it now.
 

Child: But you said that you would buy me whatever I wanted.
 

Father: But you should ask for something reasonable.
 

Child: But I want a motorcycle and nothing else.
 

Father: I don't like those who talk and argue too much, you have to ask for something reasonable or I will buy you nothing. 
 

Child (weeping): But I love motorcycles! 
 

The child then returns to his room that he has just cleaned feeling remorse for every second he had spent in cleaning it. At the same time, he has lost confidence in his father’s repeated illusionary promises that he never fulfills. He closes the door and falls asleep.
 

Dear educator, be precise, logical and motivating. In the light of the previous story, let us ask the following questions: 
 

Was the father precise and logical in his request? Did he succeed in motivating his child? 
 

Dear parent, let us answer the following three questions:
 

First: Was the father precise (in his orders and requests)? 
 

Why do parents always think badly of their children if they refuse to respond to their orders or if they respond wrongly? Why do we immediately accuse the child of negligence? 

 

In fact, we should accuse ourselves in many cases and inquire,“Were we precise in our demands from the child?” 
 

Was it sufficient for the father to ask his child to clean his room? Is this request sufficient or does it need some clarification? 

 

The reward that the child will receive when he obeys his parents represents the real incentive that makes him feel confident and strong. Therefore, the parents who are not specific with their children when they give them orders unintentionally lead their children to failure.
 

For example, the father could have explained his request to his child from the beginning in the following way:
 

·         Use the broom when cleaning the floor

 

·         Arrange the clothes and put them in their place 
 

·         Remove the dust from the glass and furniture
 

Putting it this way helps the child to know what is exactly required of him easily. In such a case, if the child does something wrong, then he, rather than you, would be the negligent party.
 

Specification and clarity is required ‎in motivation:You should not tell your child that you would buy him whatever he wants if he does such-and-such. That is because the child has an intrinsic powerful imagination and there is no limit to his demands. Therefore, if you are not specific and do not respond to your child’s requests, he will be disappointed and will lose confidence in his father’s promises and incentives. On the contrary, such motivation will turn in the future into frustration.
 

This explains what happened in our story. The child asked for a motorcycle, and the father could not fulfill this difficult request and the result was disappointment and frustration. 

 

The father has to be specific even in motivating his child. For example, he could motivate him by saying, “If you clean your room, I will allow you to watch a cartoon.” 
 

Likewise, the parents should be specific in punishment. Therefore, it is unfavorable to tell the child, “If you do not do such-and-such, the consequences will be bad.” 

 

The punishment should be specific. For example, one should say to his child, “If you do not do such-and-such, you will not have any pocket money, or you will not play video games, watch a cartoon movie, and so on.”

 

 

The father should choose the most effective (not severe) punishment, because unspecified punishments encourage the child to be careless as long as he does not feel its effect on him.
 

However, the best thing that you can do to be specific in your demands from your child is to arrange your room in his presence. In other words, you should be an example to your child just as the Prophet, , was the best example to his Companions. The Prophet, , was the perfect example of the educator that people follow. He used to be ahead of his Companions guiding them in wars, and encouraging them to spend in the cause of Allaah The Almighty. He was also ahead of them when they were digging the trench and he endured hardships and treated his wives well.
 

My dear educator, you should know that giving a clear message is considered one of the key introductions to good education. Parents should tell their children exactly what they want them to do, and how they want them to do it. They should also determine when their children act properly or improperly.
 

Second: Was the father logical in his demands and the expected results?
 

Many parents ask their children to do things that exceed their ability or age. Therefore, they ‎are in fact leading them to failure, especially when they ‎expect excellent results. An example of this is when a parent asks his three-year-old child to wash the dishes or clean the room. 

 

‎On the other hand, many parents degrade their children’s ‎‎abilities and ask them to do what they cannot accept, ‎‎because they can actually do more due to their age and mature ‎‎mind. For example, when the mother asks her ten-year-old child to sit so that she can study every single word with him, she is in fact asking her child to do something that he cannot bear. That is because this implies an offence and accusation of ignorance. However, the mother expects excellent scores at the end of the year, while she has made her child completely dependent upon her.
 

The parent should be logical in what he asks his child to do and the results he expects. This requires taking two things into consideration:
 

1-      The child’s capabilities including his age, strength, intelligence, vitality and self-confidence 
 

2-      The nature of the request itself 

 

Then, the parent should compare the child’s capabilities and the capabilities that are required for responding to his request after avoiding and treating the physical and the psychological problems.
 

The parent should understand the Quranic verses in which Allaah The Almighty Says (what means): 
 

·         {Allaah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity.}[Quran 2:286] 

 

·         {Allaah does not charge a soul except [according to] what He has given it.}[Quran 65:7]
 

By understanding these verses, parents can successfully compare results and judge whether or not they comply with their expectations of the child. 

Third: Was the father motivating?  

This point is very important because the human soul likes praise, and treating disobedience through encouragement is one of the most important educational methods. The effects of this encouragement upon the child include generating consciousness of success in the work for which he has been rewarded. Of course, this satisfies the child’s motivations and activates his learning habits in the future. The result would be strengthening the child’s confidence and encouraging him to be more adventurous, creative and determined.
 

This method is very important in encouraging children, however, the following issues should be observed: 
 

·         This should not be the only method, namely, the parents should not use this method in cases when they see that there is a necessity for punishment. There should be a balance between reward and punishment.

 

·         Motivation should be specific and precise, as we have mentioned. 
 

·         Parents should fulfill their motivational promises under all circumstances.
 

·         Parents must implement their warnings if the child did not keep his promise. 
 

·         The motivation should not be exaggerated.
 

·         Motivation should be using something loved and desired by the child.
 

Dear parent, you can also use some words to praise your child ‎when he obeys you such as “I like the way you handled this”, “I know you well ‎and I am sure that you will behave ‎properly,” or “I think you can do it”.
 

Finally, dear father and mother do not forget when you ask your child to arrange his room, for example, you should be specific and explain things to him. Do not ask your child to do anything that exceeds his abilities. Likewise, be specific in motivating your child. 

Parents: Precious Blessings in our Life

Allaah The Almighty has made our parents the means of giving us life and made them the source of providing us with unparalleled love and a sound upbringing. However, when we grow up, we tend to forget the period of our infancy and childhood and disregard their efforts. What ingratitude can be worse than this?

The very least we can do for our parents is to show goodness and kind treatment towards them while they are alive, and supplicate for them, offer charity and other righteous deeds on their behalf after their death.

Allaah The Almighty mentions the virtues of being good to one’s parents in conjunction with worshipping Him alone when He Says (what means):{“And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you are dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour.And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy, and say: `My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was young.'"}[Quran, 17: 23-24].

The Prophet  classified being undutiful to parents as one of the great major sins and mentioned it along with associating partners with Allaah The Almighty in His worship. He  said: "Shall I not inform you about the most grievous of the grave sins?" His Companions replied, "Indeed, O Messenger of Allaah!" He  said: "Associating anything with Allaah (in worship), and being undutiful to parents, (he was reclining at that time, then he sat up and said): (beware of) false testimony or false utterance." He repeated it so many times that his Companions wished that he would become silent. [Al-Bukhaari and Muslim].

A man came to the Prophet  and asked, "Which of the people is most deserving of my good companionship?" He  replied: “It is your mother.” The man asked, "Who is next?" He  replied: “It is your mother.” The man then asked, "Who is next?" He  replied: “It is your mother.” Then the man asked, "Who is next?" The Prophet  replied:“It is your father.” [Al-Bukhaari].

Abu Hurayrah  narrated that the Prophet  said: "Let him be humiliated! Let him be humiliated! Let him be humiliated!" It was asked,"Who, O Messenger of Allaah?" He  replied: “He whose parents reach old age, either one or both of them, and who does not enter Paradise (due to not being dutiful to them).” [Muslim]

Dutifulness to parents is one of the reasons behind the forgiveness of sins. Ibn ‘Umar  both, said that a man came to the Prophet  and said, "I have committed a great sin, can I repent from it?" The Prophet  asked:“Is your mother alive?” and in another narration he asked: “Are you parents alive?” The man replied, "No" so the Prophet  asked: “Do you have a maternal aunt?” The man replied, "Yes" Thereupon, the Prophet  said: “Then be dutiful to her.” [At-Tirmithi].

‘Ali ibn Abi Taalib  said, "If there was anything less than this expression (i.e., saying 'Uff' to one's parents) as a form of being undutiful, Allaah would have forbidden that expression." Allaah The Almighty also mentions gratefulness to Him along with being grateful to one’s parents when He says (what means): “Give thanks to Me and to your parents. Unto Me is the final destination.”[Quran, 31: 14]

These narrations inspire you to be dutiful to your parents and respect and glorify them. Do not be negligent of the saying of the Prophet : “The pleasure of the Lord is in pleasing your parents, and the wrath of the Lord (upon the child) is if he makes them angry.” [At-Tabaraani].

Constitution of the Muslim Home

The Muslim home is based on a number of principles and rules that govern it and regulate life in it. These rules make the Muslim home distinctive as they are derived from the noble Quran, the Sunnah of the Prophet, , the life of the Companions and the life of the Taabi‘oon(their successors( . 
The most important rules of this constitution are:

• Having true belief in Allaah The Almighty and being sincere, pious and adherent to His Ordinances, avoiding what He forbade and remembering Him a lot.

 

• Believing in the angels of Allaah, His Books, Messengers, the Hereafter, Divine Decree and fate. Allaah The Almighty Says (what means): {The Messenger has believed in what was revealed to him from His Lord, and [so have] the believers. All of them have believed in Allaah and His Angels and His Books and His Messengers, [saying], "We make no distinction between any of His messengers."}[Quran 2:285]

 

 

• Believing in the Messenger of Allaah,  and adhering to hisSunnah by abiding by what he ordered us to do and avoiding what he forbade. Allaah The Almighty Says (what means): {And whatever the Messenger has given you -- take; and what he has forbidden you -- refrain from.} [Quran 59:7]

 

• Observing the prayers on their due time. Allaah The Almighty Says (what means): {Indeed, prayer has been decreed upon the believers a decree of specified times.} [Quran 4:103]

 

• Giving the right of Allaah regarding one’s money by payingZakaah (obligatory charity) and voluntary charity. Allaah The Almighty Says (what means): {And those within whose wealth is a known right. For the petitioner and the deprived.} [Quran 70:24-25]

 

• Fasting the month of Ramadan. Allaah The Almighty Says (what means): {O you who have believed, decreed upon you is fasting as it was decreed upon those before you that you may become righteous.} [Quran 2:183]

 

• Performing Hajj when one has the ability to do so. Allaah The Almighty Says (what means): {And [due] to Allaah from the people is a pilgrimage to the House -- for whoever is able to find thereto a way.}[Quran 3:97]

 

• The marital relationship is based on tranquility, affection and mercy. Allaah The Almighty Says (what means): {And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.}[Quran 30:21] Spouses should set rules for their life and establish a basis for mutual understanding so that affection and mercy would prevail and accordingly they would achieve happiness.

 

• The man has the right to be in charge

Early Childhood: The Best Period to Build Faith

The early years— we do not exaggerate if we say the early moments— of the child’s life are the best and most important periods to build up the aspects of faith in the child and instill the creed ofTawheed (Islamic Monotheism) and knowing Allaah The Almighty in him. Therefore, the Prophet,  instructed Muslims to let the words of theAthaan (call to prayer) be the first thing heard by the newborn. These words carry the meanings of pure Tawheed, worshipping Allaah The Almighty alone and disassociating from any other worshipped deity.   

Ibn Al-Qayyim  said,  

The first words to be heard by the child are the words of the heavenly call which include the Highness and Majesty of the Lord and the testimony of faith which is the first step to embracing Islam. So, this is considered like teaching the child the slogan of Islam when he comes to life, as if he is asked to pronounce the testimony of faith. It is also possible that the effect of the Athaan will reach the heart of the child even if he does not realize it. Also, there is another benefit that when the devil— who awaits the birth of the child— hears the words of the Athaan, he runs away. So, he hears words that weaken and enrage him since the first moment of his being attached to the child.   

There is another meaning in saying the words of the Athaan in the ear of the newborn baby that it is a call to Allaah, His religion and worshipping Him that precedes the call of the devil as the pure Fitrah (sound innate disposition) precedes the changes that the devil makes therein. There are many other rationales.   

Due to the importance of this period in the child’s life in terms of learning the bases of faith; the Prophet, , ordered Muslims to make “La ilaaha illa Allaah (None is truly worthy of worship but Allaah)” the first words to be taught to the child. Ibn ‘Abbaas  said that the Prophet, , said:“Make the first word to be heard by your children to speak: La ilaaha illa Allaah (None is truly worthy of worship but Allaah).”   

The secret behind this injunction is to let the word of Tawheed and the testimony of embracing Islam be the first thing to be heard by the child, the first thing to be uttered and the first words to be taught to them. The Prophet , ordered parents and mentors to teach the children the acts of worship when they are at the age of seven. ‘Amr ibn Al-‘Aas  said that the Prophet,  said: “Command your children to perform prayer when they are seven years old, and beat them for (not offering) it when they are ten, and separate them in beds.”   

On basis of this ruling, we draw an analogy to train the child to fast some days if he could bear fasting. This also applies to other acts of worship.  

Importance of attaching children to the Noble Quran from a tender age: 

This should take place at a very young age once the child starts speaking. This is the golden period for memorization, learning and maximizing the psychological impact of what the child learns and memorizes.  

Therefore, the Prophet, , advised parents to maintain this. ‘Ali, may Allaah be Pleased with him, said that the Prophet, , said: “Train your children to acquire three characteristics: love of your Prophet, love for the Prophet’s household and reciting the Quran, for the bearers of the Quran will be in the shade of the Throne of Allaah on the Day when there will be no shade except His, with His Prophets and His chosen ones.” [At-Tabaraani]  

The Companions of the Prophet, , pursued this path. Sa‘d ibn Abi Waqqaas  said: “We used to teach our children the battles of the Messenger of Allaah just as we used to teach them the Surahs (Chapters) of the Quran.” Their keenness on teaching their children the Quran came first; they used it as a means to give an indication of their intense interest and care. Al-Ghazaali  advised Muslims — in his book of Ihyaa’ ‘Uloom Ad-Deen — to teach children the Quran, the Hadeeth (narrations) and the stories of the righteous people. In Al-Muqadimmah, Ibn Khuldoon stressed the importance of making children learn and memorize the Quran. He pointed out that Quran is the basis of education because it leads to establishing the sound creed and implanting faith.   

The Quran builds up the child’s character:  

Teaching the child the Quran effectively helps him build up the components of faith in his personality. It also inculcates supreme values in him and straightforward behavior. It forms his personality and way of thinking in a way that is characterized by purity and originality. It makes him eloquent and a sound-speaking person.  It increases his knowledge and strengthens his memory. There is a report enhancing this meaning that states the following, “Whoever recites the Quran while he is a believing youth, the Quran will be mixed with his flesh and blood and Allaah The Almighty will make him with the noble and dutiful messenger-angels.”   

Memorizing, learning and being attached to the Quran make the souls of children at peace, tranquil and connected to the Creator . Hence, they will enjoy the company of Allaah The Almighty who will guard them from the harm, evil and domination of the devils. Consequently, the Quran will become indeed mixed with their flesh and blood, by virtue of reciting its verses with their parents or teachers. Accordingly, they would not tolerate abandoning their Mus-hafs (copies of the Quran) or recorded tapes of the Quran. Even in times of illness and fever, their tongues will utter what is instilled in their fresh hearts including the words of Allaah The Almighty and their great attachment to it.

The importance of reading to your child

By reading to our children we not only teach them that learning is fun, we show them by our own example.

Allaah Almighty Says (what means): “…Allaah will raise those who have believed among you and those who were given knowledge, by degrees…”[Quran 58: 11]

 

While it is true that the knowledge that is referenced to in the above verse is regarding Islamic knowledge, there is no doubt that throughout Islamic history from the time of the Prophet  until present day there has been a common understanding that striving to learn and educate ourselves is a vital part of being a Muslim.

 

We know from our rich history that Muslims hold the highest ranks in scientific, medical, mathematical and astronomical discoveries – and because of that our scholars have been envied for many years.

 

It is so important that we pass on our wonderful legacy of learning to our children, and one of the best ways to accomplish that is to read to them. By reading to them, we not only teach them that learning is fun, we show them by our own example.

 

The Prophet  said: “Only two persons deserve to be envied, firstly, a person to whom Allaah has given wealth and bestowed upon him guidance to spend in a righteous cause, and secondly, a person upon whom Allaah has bestowed wisdom by which he judges and which he teaches.” [Al-Bukhaari and Muslim]

 

With reading come the benefit and the gift of knowledge – more precious to our children than anything else we could ever buy them or give them. Reading to comprehend helps them to understand their religion and therefore teach it to others. We know that reading is at the heart of all learning, but especially being able to read and understand the Quran and the Hadeeth.

 

Not only it is important that we teach our children English, but also Arabic to the best of our ability. In this way, they can experience the Quran as it is in its pure form.

 

It is not only important to teach our children to read, but for us to read to them and listen to them while they are reading. By listening to them, we can hear and correct their mistakes and encourage them to sound out new words they are unfamiliar with. Some statistics showed that approximately 40 percent of all fourth graders in the United States cannot read and understand a simple paragraph from a children’s book – and that is pitiful.

 

We need to get together in our communities and start reading groups for our children to encourage them to turn off the video games and televisions in the house and pick up a book. Whether it is a work of fiction screened by mom or a biography about one of our beloved Prophet’s  Companions  it is vital that we get our children reading.

 

It is one of the easiest ways in which to involve yourself in their education and show them you care. Make a plan and read a book together, and then spend time to discuss it, explain it and ask questions. Ask them what they anticipate will happen next, or what they think should have happened.

 

Ten proactive things you can do:

 

·         As you read together, stop and ask your children the picture in the book and what is happening in the story.

·         Read from a variety of children’s books.

·         When reading a book where the print is large, point word by word as you read. This will help your children learn that reading goes from left to right (or right to left for Arabic books) and understand that the words they say are the words they see.

·         Read your children’s favorite books with them over and over again to build understanding and recognition.

·         For smaller children, pronounce each word clearly and a little slower than you would normally read it.

·         Read stories with your children that feature rhyming words and lines that repeat. Invite your children to join in on these parts by pointing word by word as they read along with you.

·         Discuss new words. Ask them to make a new sentence with that new word to make sure they understand the meaning.

·         Listen and watch how your children read and understand written materials.

·        If your child is old enough, assign a book every two weeks and have them write a book report for you. Get creative with book reports by making them more interactive, such as choosing a book about a country then cooking a traditional dish from that area.

·         Find books that can be read as plays and get the whole family involved in reading their parts with different voices.

Our children intimate us in every way

 

Our children’s likes and dislikes are often a result our own. So it goes to reason, “If books are part of loving parents - child interactions from an early age, children will associate the presence of books with all of the positive feelings of being held and loved. Undoubtedly, these associations are encoded in a profound way in a child’s developing brain. Picture books provide an ideal context for parents – child interactions that are loving and stimulating.”

 

Furthermore, as researches and studies conducted by pediatricians indicate, “growing up healthy means much more than the absence of disease. It means growing up with love and attention, and acquiring spoken and written language. It is exciting to offer a child a beautiful book and watch it do its works, cast its spell.” Dr. Robert Needlman, Division of Behavioral Pediatrics and Psychology, Rainbow Babies’ and Children’s Hospital, Cleveland, Ohio

 

So with the overwhelming evidence, in addition to our own religion and history to back us up, we should be motivated to encourage the next generation of scholars, scientists and doctors by heading out to our local libraries and check out a book. We are raising our future, and what we leave our children with today will be something that will benefit the generations to come. Abu Hurayra  narrated a meaningful Hadeeth in which the Messenger of Allaah  said: “When a man dies, all his acts come to an end but three; recurring charity, or knowledge (by which people) benefit, or a pious son, who prays for him (for the deceased).”[Muslim]
By: Michelle Al-Nasr